1.
CHILDREN’S UNDERSTANDING AND REACTION TO DEATH ACCORDING TO AGE
(This may be used with various groups and individuals)
Children’s understanding and reaction to death will depend on their age and their developmental stage. The following are guides only as children will differ in their reactions and grasp of events for a range of reasons other than age alone.
AGES 0 – 2 YEARS
Infants do not understand the meaning of death
They may display anxiety when separated from a loved one
They may appear upset, subdued and uninterested in their surroundings.
AGES 2 – 5 YEARS
No understanding of the permanency of death
May search for the missing person from a loved one
May feel responsible for the death in some way
May become apathetic and depressed
May regress to an earlier stage of development e.g. thumb sucking, bedwetting, tantrums or may become clingy
May develop fears of going to sleep May worry that other loved ones may die.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Explain the death in clear, simple language, using words like “dead” and “died” - Do not use
Reassure them that they had nothing to do with the death and of the wellbeing of other
AGES 5 – 9 YEARS
Beginning to realise the permanency of death, but their idea of life after death is still vague
May have concerns about how the deceased is feeling or what he/she is thinking in the grave
May have a lot of questions about aspects of the death e.g. how the person died, what they looked like, the funeral, heaven, coffins
The reaction of their peers is important, they may feel ‘different’ to them Their peers may be awkward about the death and avoid contact They may become the target of bullying.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Encourage the child to talk and cry about the deceased if they wish to, otherwise respect
Answer questions and provide as much factual information about the death as possible
• Encourage the child to talk and cry about the deceased if they wish to, otherwise respect their silence
• Answer questions and provide as much factual information about the death as possible
AGES 9 – 12 YEARS
Understand the finality and universality of death
Awareness of their own mortality and may worry about their own death
May display psychosomatic symptoms i.e. physical complaints like tummy aches May wish to stay at home close to parents May display anger.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Dispel fears about their own health
• Dispel fears about their own health or the health of other loved ones by offering reassurance
• Encourage them to go to school
• Allow them to express express their anger, offering appropriate ways to do so.
ADOLESCENTS
Fully understand the finality, universality and inevitability of death. Their experience of death is similar to adults May have a range of feelings: guilt, regret, anger, loneliness etc.
Death adds to the already confused array of emotions experienced by adolescents May appear to not care about the death May seek support outside of the family.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Don’t feel left out if they seem
• Children’s use of social media should be monitored and supported by parents.
If parents are grieving themselves, they may be emotionally unable to support their other children. In this instance, another supportive adult in the child’s life, e.g. other family members, friends, neighbours may need to offer emotional support.
It should be remembered that for children with special educational needs, their understanding of what has happened will be in line with their developmental age.
2. STAGES OF GRIEF
(This may be used with various groups and individuals)
Grief is a normal, healthy and predictable response to loss. Although there are distinct phases in the grieving process, people go through these stages in different sequences and at different paces. Generally the grieving process in adults is thought to take about two years, while with children and adolescents it may be over a more extended time-frame with different issues arising as they go through developmental milestones.
Denial, numbness, shock (up to 6 weeks)
Death of the person may be denied
Emerging feelings may be suppressed
Refusal to talk about the death
Bereaved keeps very busy to avoid thinking about the death
Bereaved may show signs of confusion and forget everyday routines
Children in shock may display either silent withdrawal or outbursts of crying.
Acute grief/searching and longing for deceased (6 weeks to 4 months)
Acute sadness – crying
Physical pangs of pain including loss of appetite and disturbed sleep
Emotional pain accompanied by dejection, hopelessness, lack of concentration Fears of life after death, nightmares, ghosts
Dis-organisation
Strong guilt feelings and questioning of self and others, particularly in the case of a sudden death Feelings of anger at the departed for leaving them Bereaved may reject offers to comfort them.
Adaptation to life without the deceased (6 months to 18 months)
People begin to adjust to their lives without the person who is gone
Sense of isolation
Fearful of forgetting the deceased
Less crying and irritability
Exacerbation of existing personality problems. Children with low self-esteem may be at a greater risk of emotional/behavioural difficulties.
Normalisation of life
Getting on with life
Returned sense of humour and play
Able to participate emotionally in new relationships
Changed relationship with the deceased – able to think of the deceased without pain
Reduction in physical/emotional symptoms
Less guilt.
3 HOW TO COPE WHEN SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS
Reach out – people do care
Talk to your friends, family and teachers - talking is the most healing medicine
Remember you are normal and having normal reactions – don’t label yourself as crazy or mad
It is acceptable to cry
It is acceptable to smile
If your feelings and reactions seem different from those of your friends, remember everyone reacts differently
When the stress level is high there is a temptation to try to numb the feelings perhaps with alcohol and drugs, this complicates matters rather than bringing relief
Some people find that writing or drawing is helpful. What about writing a note or letter to the family of the person who died or the person themselves?
Spend time with people who have a positive influence on you
Make as many daily decisions as possible. This will give you a feeling of control over your life, e.g. if someone asks you what you want to eat – answer them, even if you’re not sure
Recurring thoughts, dreams or flashbacks are normal – don’t try to fight them – they’ll decrease over time and become less painful
Make a special effort to take care of yourself during this time. Try to get some extra sleep, eat nutritious foods and get some exercise, even if it is just a walk
Sticking to your “normal” routine helps. Structure your time – keep busy
Take time out – go for a cycle or kick a football
Provide some balance to the negative things that have gone on by doing something special or fun for yourself. Think about something that makes you feel good. Then make it happen – like going to the cinema, listening to music, calling a friend, etc. Laughter is good medicine. Watch a funny movie or play a silly game with younger children to lighten your spirits
Use of social media can help but do not rely on it as your only source of support Useful websites: www.spunout.ie; www.youth.ie; www.reachout.com.au
Above all, realise that what you are experiencing is normal following a traumatic event. Be understanding of yourself and others.
4. WAYS TO HELP YOUR CHILD THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT TIME
Children do not need to be taught how to grieve. They will do it naturally and in healthy ways if we allow them and if we provide a safe atmosphere, permission and example to do so.
Listen carefully. Let them tell their story. Tell them that the reactions they are having are normal
Pay extra attention, spend extra time with them, be more nurturing and comforting
Reassure them that they are safe
Don’t tell them that they are “lucky it wasn’t worse”. People are not consoled by such statements. Instead, tell them that you are sorry such an event has occurred and you want to understand and help them
Do not be surprised by changes in behaviour or personality. They will return to their usual selves in time
Don’t take their anger or other feelings personally. Help them to understand the relationship between anger and trauma. Help them find safe ways to express their feelings e.g. by drawing, taking exercise, or talking
Help them to understand that defiance, aggression and risk behaviour is a way to avoid feeling the pain, hurt and or fear they are feeling
When going out, let them know where you are going and when you will be back If you are out for a long time, telephone and reassure them
Tolerate regressive behaviour such as nail biting, thumb sucking, or the need for a night light
Share your own experience of being frightened of something and getting through it
If they are feeling guilt or shame, emphasise that they did not choose for this to happen and that they are not to blame. Even if they were angry with the person who died, or had been mean to them, this did not make it happen
Work with the school support services and other available services
As well as advising your child about appropriate use of social media, monitor their use, particularly during this vulnerable time. Useful website: www.webwise.ie
CHILDREN’S UNDERSTANDING AND REACTION TO DEATH ACCORDING TO AGE
(This may be used with various groups and individuals)
Children’s understanding and reaction to death will depend on their age and their developmental stage. The following are guides only as children will differ in their reactions and grasp of events for a range of reasons other than age alone.
AGES 0 – 2 YEARS
Infants do not understand the meaning of death
They may display anxiety when separated from a loved one
They may appear upset, subdued and uninterested in their surroundings.
AGES 2 – 5 YEARS
No understanding of the permanency of death
May search for the missing person from a loved one
May feel responsible for the death in some way
May become apathetic and depressed
May regress to an earlier stage of development e.g. thumb sucking, bedwetting, tantrums or may become clingy
May develop fears of going to sleep May worry that other loved ones may die.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Explain the death in clear, simple language, using words like “dead” and “died” - Do not use
Reassure them that they had nothing to do with the death and of the wellbeing of other
- Continuity of normal routine e.g. mealtimes and bedtime
- Offer physical comfort
- You may need to repeat the same information again and again
- Permit them to ask questions and be consistent in your answers
AGES 5 – 9 YEARS
Beginning to realise the permanency of death, but their idea of life after death is still vague
May have concerns about how the deceased is feeling or what he/she is thinking in the grave
May have a lot of questions about aspects of the death e.g. how the person died, what they looked like, the funeral, heaven, coffins
The reaction of their peers is important, they may feel ‘different’ to them Their peers may be awkward about the death and avoid contact They may become the target of bullying.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Encourage the child to talk and cry about the deceased if they wish to, otherwise respect
Answer questions and provide as much factual information about the death as possible
• Encourage the child to talk and cry about the deceased if they wish to, otherwise respect their silence
• Answer questions and provide as much factual information about the death as possible
- Reassure them that thinking and feeling ceases after death
- Be vigilant in relation to bullying.
AGES 9 – 12 YEARS
Understand the finality and universality of death
Awareness of their own mortality and may worry about their own death
May display psychosomatic symptoms i.e. physical complaints like tummy aches May wish to stay at home close to parents May display anger.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Dispel fears about their own health
• Dispel fears about their own health or the health of other loved ones by offering reassurance
• Encourage them to go to school
• Allow them to express express their anger, offering appropriate ways to do so.
ADOLESCENTS
Fully understand the finality, universality and inevitability of death. Their experience of death is similar to adults May have a range of feelings: guilt, regret, anger, loneliness etc.
Death adds to the already confused array of emotions experienced by adolescents May appear to not care about the death May seek support outside of the family.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Don’t feel left out if they seem
- Offer them time to listen
- Allow them to express their grief in their own way
- Be prepared for mood swings
• Children’s use of social media should be monitored and supported by parents.
If parents are grieving themselves, they may be emotionally unable to support their other children. In this instance, another supportive adult in the child’s life, e.g. other family members, friends, neighbours may need to offer emotional support.
It should be remembered that for children with special educational needs, their understanding of what has happened will be in line with their developmental age.
2. STAGES OF GRIEF
(This may be used with various groups and individuals)
Grief is a normal, healthy and predictable response to loss. Although there are distinct phases in the grieving process, people go through these stages in different sequences and at different paces. Generally the grieving process in adults is thought to take about two years, while with children and adolescents it may be over a more extended time-frame with different issues arising as they go through developmental milestones.
Denial, numbness, shock (up to 6 weeks)
Death of the person may be denied
Emerging feelings may be suppressed
Refusal to talk about the death
Bereaved keeps very busy to avoid thinking about the death
Bereaved may show signs of confusion and forget everyday routines
Children in shock may display either silent withdrawal or outbursts of crying.
Acute grief/searching and longing for deceased (6 weeks to 4 months)
Acute sadness – crying
Physical pangs of pain including loss of appetite and disturbed sleep
Emotional pain accompanied by dejection, hopelessness, lack of concentration Fears of life after death, nightmares, ghosts
Dis-organisation
Strong guilt feelings and questioning of self and others, particularly in the case of a sudden death Feelings of anger at the departed for leaving them Bereaved may reject offers to comfort them.
Adaptation to life without the deceased (6 months to 18 months)
People begin to adjust to their lives without the person who is gone
Sense of isolation
Fearful of forgetting the deceased
Less crying and irritability
Exacerbation of existing personality problems. Children with low self-esteem may be at a greater risk of emotional/behavioural difficulties.
Normalisation of life
Getting on with life
Returned sense of humour and play
Able to participate emotionally in new relationships
Changed relationship with the deceased – able to think of the deceased without pain
Reduction in physical/emotional symptoms
Less guilt.
3 HOW TO COPE WHEN SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS
Reach out – people do care
Talk to your friends, family and teachers - talking is the most healing medicine
Remember you are normal and having normal reactions – don’t label yourself as crazy or mad
It is acceptable to cry
It is acceptable to smile
If your feelings and reactions seem different from those of your friends, remember everyone reacts differently
When the stress level is high there is a temptation to try to numb the feelings perhaps with alcohol and drugs, this complicates matters rather than bringing relief
Some people find that writing or drawing is helpful. What about writing a note or letter to the family of the person who died or the person themselves?
Spend time with people who have a positive influence on you
Make as many daily decisions as possible. This will give you a feeling of control over your life, e.g. if someone asks you what you want to eat – answer them, even if you’re not sure
Recurring thoughts, dreams or flashbacks are normal – don’t try to fight them – they’ll decrease over time and become less painful
Make a special effort to take care of yourself during this time. Try to get some extra sleep, eat nutritious foods and get some exercise, even if it is just a walk
Sticking to your “normal” routine helps. Structure your time – keep busy
Take time out – go for a cycle or kick a football
Provide some balance to the negative things that have gone on by doing something special or fun for yourself. Think about something that makes you feel good. Then make it happen – like going to the cinema, listening to music, calling a friend, etc. Laughter is good medicine. Watch a funny movie or play a silly game with younger children to lighten your spirits
Use of social media can help but do not rely on it as your only source of support Useful websites: www.spunout.ie; www.youth.ie; www.reachout.com.au
Above all, realise that what you are experiencing is normal following a traumatic event. Be understanding of yourself and others.
4. WAYS TO HELP YOUR CHILD THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT TIME
Children do not need to be taught how to grieve. They will do it naturally and in healthy ways if we allow them and if we provide a safe atmosphere, permission and example to do so.
Listen carefully. Let them tell their story. Tell them that the reactions they are having are normal
Pay extra attention, spend extra time with them, be more nurturing and comforting
Reassure them that they are safe
Don’t tell them that they are “lucky it wasn’t worse”. People are not consoled by such statements. Instead, tell them that you are sorry such an event has occurred and you want to understand and help them
Do not be surprised by changes in behaviour or personality. They will return to their usual selves in time
Don’t take their anger or other feelings personally. Help them to understand the relationship between anger and trauma. Help them find safe ways to express their feelings e.g. by drawing, taking exercise, or talking
Help them to understand that defiance, aggression and risk behaviour is a way to avoid feeling the pain, hurt and or fear they are feeling
When going out, let them know where you are going and when you will be back If you are out for a long time, telephone and reassure them
Tolerate regressive behaviour such as nail biting, thumb sucking, or the need for a night light
Share your own experience of being frightened of something and getting through it
If they are feeling guilt or shame, emphasise that they did not choose for this to happen and that they are not to blame. Even if they were angry with the person who died, or had been mean to them, this did not make it happen
Work with the school support services and other available services
As well as advising your child about appropriate use of social media, monitor their use, particularly during this vulnerable time. Useful website: www.webwise.ie